Relationships...are they Important?

I’m sure each of you can think of at least one student that at times does not exhibit the best behavior or choices in class and you wonder why they do what they do. Some of these behaviors relate back to the various types of relationships they have had with their parents, role models, caregivers or any other person of importance in their life that has helped shape them into the person they are today.

Depending on these interaction they have developed a combination of either secure or non-secure types of attachments or relationships. There are several different types of attachments they can range from secure, avoidant, ambivalent or disorganized. From the book Brainstorm by Dr. Daniel Siegel MD he describes each of the attachments as follows.

• Secure Attachment – Having a relationship with a parent who in a somewhat consistent way provided you with a sense of being seen, feeling safe, and being soothed. This secure model will let you balance your emotions, understand yourself well, and engage with others in mutually rewarding ways. This learned model is then activated so that the child make contact, feels secure, and launches out to explore the world.

• Avoidant Attachment – If you had a relationship with one or both parents that was filled with repeated experiences of your not being seen or soothed you have more than likely experienced a type of non-secure attachment. Avoidance in this case is a learned behavior where in the presences of a parent, the child actively tries to avoid them.  

• Ambivalent Attachment- This type of relationship is in existence when a child experiences inconsistency or intrusiveness with a parent. Being seen, safe, and soothed does not happen in a reliable way. Many times a child will cling to a parent because once they return they are uncertain whether they will meet your needs for comfort. Perhaps this time they will sooth you, but maybe not, but maybe so…… this is an example of ambivalence.

• Disorganized Model -  The fourth type of attachment can occur within the setting of the other three - secure, avoidant, or ambivalent. Besides those baseline experiences of attachment, something else is going on. For example your parent, say your mom is terrifying to you. This could be because she is depressed or irritable and runs after you, yelling when the child gets home from school. The problem with this is when an attachment figure is a source of terror one becomes fragmented.  Many times children will have a tough time balancing their emotions, having good relationships with others, and even thinking clearly under stress.

After learning about each of these different types of relationships that our students may be facing at home it is important that when they come to school they can have positive relationships with their teachers and classmates. Sometimes when looking at the different types of attachment models and the behaviors our students exhibit it makes it easier to understand the background or home life that they have. Attachment models can be changed based on those they value as important in their life. Even our struggling students, the ones we view as our trouble makers need a positive role model in their life. As Rita Pierson says “Every child deserves a champion—an adult who will never give up on them, who understands the power of connection, and insists that they become the best that they can possibly be.”

Every student has a story to share, unless we get to them we will never know their strengths, their weaknesses and their battles. Get to know your students and I do not mean just their names, really get to know them for every student no matter their background needs someone to continue pushing them to explore this crazy world.  

I leave you with only one question: Whose champion are you going to be?